Several times throughout the movie, my eleven-year-old daughter and I would look at each other with dreamy, oogly smiles. We were smitten. Most girls love great love stories, and this one ranks at the top of the list. It's Cinderella, for goodness sake!
Cinderella was brave and kind despite losing both her parents and gaining a wicked step-mother. Prince Charming was strong, yet compassionate, as he rose to become the new king of the land. They were destined to be together, and they fell in love at first sight just like two people should in a fairytale love story. And she had the most amazing blue dress, to boot! A great guy and a great dress - every girl's dream come true.
As I glanced at my daughter during the movie, I saw the look on her face. And who am I kidding? I may or may not have imagined my own self in that blue dress for just one tiny millisecond.
"His eyes are the bluest eyes I've ever seen," she said once. I knew right then she would've married him herself if he had popped out of the screen. She was completely taken away with the love story.
This perfect love story.
How can you not love a perfect love story?
By the time we got back home later that day, three loads of laundry and a pile of dishes in the sink awaited me. Hubs was in the basement relishing in the flurry of March Madness (obviously oblivious to the dirty dishes in the sink, ahem). Extra kids were in and out of the house, and a friend popped in to visit. I crawled into bed that night and thought of how far my life is from that of Cinderella at the ball. It's more like Cinder-Ella before the ball. That's extreme, but you get my drift.
Don't we expect the fairytale?
The truth is, because we grow up expecting the fairytale, we are exponentially disappointed when real life doesn't match up with happily-ever-after. There's no laundry or supper fairy. There's no beautiful gown to wear, and no carriage awaits us. Prince Charming pees on the toilet and snores like a freight-train. We're expecting to be treated like a princess, but instead, we may feel slightly like the peasant girl at times.
One of the best things we can teach our daughters about marriage is that it's not going to be a fairytale. Sorry to burst the fantasy-bubble, but knowing the true reality beforehand might help prevent heartbreak in the hindsight. Marriage is rarely going to be easy and painless and satisfying because, let's get real, it's a union of one sinner to another sinner. Your marriage isn't going to be perfect because you aren't perfect and neither is your husband. Two imperfects don't miraculously accumulate to make perfect. I'm a PE major, but I can still do the science, I mean, math.
In my last post about the Marriage Experiment, I revealed The Doing Plan. The first step of the plan was to begin to take action. For me, this meant changing some of my not-so-rockin habits, and pronto. I began constantly evaluating my tone with hubs, and I also looked for ways to encourage him using the 30-Day Challenge daily.
The next step in the plan was to gather good resources to help me become a kinder, gentler, and God-honoring wife.
I found three resources that have proven to be invaluable.....but they may not be what you expected.
#1
If I could only recommend one book on marriage, it would be, without a doubt, What Did You Expect? by Paul David Trip. I've read a ton of books, and this one stands out as one of the most applicable and life-changing on my list. I've read it twice myself and have gone through it two other times with groups. It is underlined, highlighted, starred, and chicken-scratched all over. Most any book I own, I gladly loan to friends. Not this one. Nope, this is an everybody-needs-their-own-copy kinda book.
In a nutshell, it takes us on a journey of uncovering our Cinderella-like expectations and helps us to thrive in real-life marriage where real-life stuff happens, the stuff that "for better or worse" doesn't even seem to cover. It doesn't tell you how to fix your spouse in order for things go better for you. Quite the opposite. It helps get to the heart of our own issues.
I wanted to excerpt a few great lines from the book or maybe share the one thing which stuck out the most, but I simply can't. It's full of wisdom I'd simply never considered or been taught. I was forced to deal with my stuff on a whole new level. It deals with the heart of situations in light of God's Word and our sinful nature. It is exactly what it says it is...a book that longs to "redeem the realities of marriage." I can't recommend it highly enough.
#2
The next resource I pulled from was a great friend group.
This isn't an official group or anything I summoned together for a committee meeting. These are simply people I trust to shoot me straight, pull no punches, and pray with me when I need it. We all know who to call when we want to hear what we want to hear. This isn't that group. These are ladies that speak truth to me even when it's hard. They're the ones that can gently say the hard stuff. They don't help me bash my husband, and they don't say "bless your heart" when I tell them something that he's done. They help me to suck it up, be thankful, and see God's grace in every circumstance.
We need these folks in our lives. We need accountability partners. We need encouragers.
Much like Cinderella's cast of furry attic friends, these ladies have my best interests in mind. They are for my marriage, not just for my happiness. That may sound contradictory, but they're more concerned about my walk with the Lord, than my stroll down fairytale lane. They don't tell me I deserve better, because they know that none of us actually gets what we really deserve. Instead, they encourage me to place all my cares before the Lord, because He cares for me.
We need these furry critters, I mean, friends in our circle. It's crucial.
#3
The last resource I began to recognize as critical was perhaps the hardest, but probably the most needed and practical.
Forgiveness.
Forgiveness as a resource, you ask? Absolutely, friend! The well of forgiveness never runs dry, yet we reluctantly pull from it.
Marriage is a revolving door of forgiveness. If we fail to circle our way around it or take the stationary door of resentment instead, it can wreak havoc on our lives and our minds. Forgiveness is the free gift we can give our spouses time and again. It doesn't mean his offense against you is swept under the rug. It doesn't mean that you pretend nothing happened. Instead, Paul Tripp states:
Forgiveness is the fertile soil in which unity in marriage grows.
He goes on to say that forgiveness requires humility, compassion, self-control, and sacrifice on the part of the forgiver. These are not common traits found in someone that longs to carry the offense to the grave. These are qualities of someone wanting to put their marriage first and treat their spouse as Christ treats us.
At times in my marriage, I've had more than my tank-full of fuel for not forgiving. My husband has done things that have given me every right to harbor bitterness and resentment, and vice versa (and I have, sadly!). Those wrongs often become my ammunition, and I think I have every right to load my debt-gun and fire at him whenever the fancy strikes me. The wrongs become something I hold over him, mechanisms for guilt-on-demand if I need it. The unwillingness to forgive slowly convinces me of the lie that I have the upper hand. It has the uncanny ability to make me think I'm the better person every time I pound him with past issues.
The inability to forgive can be the cancer that slowly infests the deepest parts of our soul if not properly treated. The only viable treatment for it is to lay down the wrong and be able to honestly say, "I forgive you."
Tim Dilena says "to say 'I'm sorry' is hard, but to say 'I forgive you' is even harder. I believe that's because we wrongly believe forgiveness releases the other person. In truth, it releases us.
Upon her foot perfectly fitting into the glass slipper, Cinderella begins her happily-ever-after life with Prince Charming. As she walks away and leaves the wicked Step-Mother, she valiantly turns to her for some final words. Many of us were probably hoping for the ever-deserved version of "poo poo on you!" or something of the like. But instead, the beautiful soon-to-be queen, looks courageously at the woman who had repeatedly mistreated her and says, "I...forgive you." You could feel the weight of despair lifted. Cinderella offered the step-mother the best part of her.
And we can do the same with our husbands.
Because that's what Christ does for us.
Our Prince of Peace came into the this world to save us. He voluntarily left His throne and became a servant of men for our sake. Instead of a glass slipper, He came seeking us with His own life. His blood covers our filthy lives, and, because of that, those who believe in His name will wear not a dazzling blue dress, but garments that are glowing white as snow. He loves us not because of anything wonderful we have done or will do. But simply because we are His. And the happily-ever-after will one day be better than we could ever dream.
That is the greatest love story ever told.
For additional great resources, check out these links.
Books:
You and Me Forever, by Francis Chan
The Mingling of Souls, by Matt Chandler
The Meaning of Marriage, by Timothy Keller
Podcasts:
The Hardest Part of Forgiveness, by Tim Dilena
Websites:
Focus on the Family: Marriage
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