The One-Year Marriage Experiment: Blog Series -1

Often when we're out of town for baseball tournaments, we get the chance to visit other churches.  We usually choose a church based on a number of very deep theological variables, like how pretty the building is or what cool message they have scrolling on their sign.

One weekend while playing in an area familiar to me, I suggested that we go to a church that I've always wanted to attend.  It is massive in size and famous for both it's singing Christmas tree and the late Dr. Rogers.

I was pumped that morning as we donned our baseball attire and squeezed in just enough time before heading to the fields to experience their worship service and sermon.  I envisioned, as I maybe sometimes do, that the message would be one that would inspire my kids to become missionaries or have a heart to care for the needy. Or maybe it would be one that further encouraged them to perhaps honor their parents.  Yes, that'd be perfect, Lord, I prayed.  Or maybe this would be the day the sermon was geared toward my hubs.  Maybe it would speak to him about all the ways God calls him to lead our family. Yes, that would be awesome, too. Oh, this will be a great day, I just know it.

We mazed around a number of hallways and then swam upstream against the masses, realizing that we were about to head into the auditorium just as one service was ending.  After the place was cleared and ready for the next service, we (except for me, that is) decided to sit in the front row of the balcony.  I'm not a heights person and I may or may not overreact just a wee bit when any of my offspring stand within two feet of an upper-level railing.  This would not be the seat I picked!  But I still know this is exactly where we need to be today. It's gonna be great, Lord, I just know it. 

After a few songs, the pastor then took the podium and began.  Here it is.  I wonder what it will be.  I sense it might be something very needed. I'm SO glad I've picked this church today.

The pastor directed us to a passage from Ephesians, and a monstrous big-screen plastered the title of today's sermon. I raised my eyes to it and then waited for my brain to catch up.

 "THE BIBLICAL ROLE OF A WIFE"

Huh?

There must be some mistake. 

As my family read the words, they all glanced my direction and offered their cynical smiles. 

And so the pastor began.... 

I was still wrestling with the idea that none of my children would be missionaries or help the needy that I could barely concentrate. Apparently this pastor missed a great opportunity to minister to my family.   

He opened with a typical husband/wife story about driving or something of the like.  It portrayed the wife as a bit controlling when giving directions in the car with her husband, or some such.  I don't remember the exact details of it, but when he finished, there was laughter from the congregation.  For some reason, I didn't see it as super-duper funny.  My family, however, not only laughed, but they all looked down my way AS they laughed.  All of them with their eyebrows raised as if to say, "That's exactly you."  Oh wait, one of my children did say that. 

Huh?

"No, it's nottttttt!" I whispered back. With that, my husband dropped his smile and looked directly at me with huge eyeballs that seemed to say "Oh, that's totally you." I sulked a bit at the comparison. 

I don't think I care for this pastor. Too bad Dr. Rogers has passed away.  He would've had a great message for some member of my group, I just know it.  Ok, enough jokes, fella, let's just get to the scripture. 

I thumbed through my bible and found the passage for today's message: Ephesians 5: 18-33. 

There it was in black and white, the section titled:  Wives and Husbands.  So, when does the "husband" section get preached, I wonder? About the time I was thinking this, the pastor made references to the sermon that was preached the week before regarding - you guessed it - the biblical role of a husband.  Of course, it was last week. Maybe I can get that on podcast somehow and give it to hubs.

How can this be a life-changing Sunday for someone in my family when the lesson is on WIVES? Come on, Lord.

I continued to pout just a little over both the initial joke and the finger-pointing from my family.  But eventually, as the pastor continued, my heart began to listen.  And as I did, I realized he was pouring out wisdom from the Word.  I began to see that this message wasn't a mistake and we weren't here on the wrong day. This message was for me. 

The pastor gently and compassionately painted a picture of the wife that I'm called to be, that all married women are called to be.  He sprinkled the message with humor and even poked fun at our husbands a time or two, but ultimately he broke down the passage in a way that I knew I needed to change.  My group glanced my way throughout some parts of it.  There was a section on bossiness that seemed to strike a nerve with my family - I'm not sure exactly why, but they seemed to identify that with me in some way. Ok, that's enough. And the bullet point on "nagging" seemed especially comical to my heathens,...I mean, family.

About 10 minutes into the meat of the sermon, I felt much like the rosin bag my son would use on the mound later that day, squeezed a little and then tossed to the dirt.  Ok, that's maybe melodramatic, but for sure, I had been convicted more than I wanted for the day, or a decade.  Let me be clear, this wasn't due to the pastor.  Dr. Gaines preached a solid message that was full of mercy and grace.  The overwhelming feeling that I was having was because the points made about bossiness, nagging, disrespect and manipulation and all their consequences were hitting wayyyyy too close to home.  I was recognizing that my children were jokingly identifying with these things because those things were truly happening to certain degrees.

The service ended and we made our way to the car.  The main topic of conversation between kids was where we were headed for lunch. The only thing I could concentrate on was why this message was solely for me.  Not another person in the car seemed convicted in the least, but I could barely hold myself together.  Hubs graciously didn't mention a word of it. He knew I was wrestling with it all, but allowed me to process it without additional comments from him.  Maybe that's why today was for me.  If the tables were turned, I would've already handed him my notes from the sermon with highlights and scripture references.  I would've offered additional books for review and possibly would've suggested a few podcasts, to boot.  Not him.  He left me alone with my thoughts. 
And I had many.

We played our next game and then had a break from the action for a couple hours.  I took the car and headed for the nearest grocery store for a few snacks to get us through the afternoon.  The rest of my peeps stayed at the park, and I was glad to have some time to myself.  I was still working through the depth of the message. I began to ask myself hard questions and I wasn't crazy about the answers I felt from down deep.

Was I truly that controlling? 
How often did I nag and whine?
Did I use manipulation as a resource in my marriage?
What was I modeling to my children, my daughters especially, about my role as a wife?

Didn't my children see me reading my bible every morning?  Didn't my husband see me doing the laundry day in and day out? Don't they realize that I lead a bible study? Haven't they paid attention to all the times I've tried to help those in need? The truth was this:

The answers to those questions don't really matter if I'm not fulfilling my role as God intends. 

What good does it do me to read my bible every day if I'm not living up to the standards it sets for being a wife?  The laundry doesn't matter to my husband if I'm not treating him with respect and adoration.  The bible study I lead means very little if, at home, my own children aren't seeing me live out what I teach.  Helping the needy is great, but it won't make a lasting, eternal effect on those closest to me if my controlling attitude overshadows any sort of humility.

As I drove down the streets east of Memphis that day, I knew I was at a crossroad spiritually.  I let the tears flow as I contemplated how my husband and children truly saw me.  I knew they ultimately saw me as their wife and mother and loved me for any good qualities they could find, but I knew I had some bad habits to overcome. I prayed as I drove, crying out to God to renew my heart and help me become the wife He wanted me to be.  Today was for me.

I dried my tears and headed back to the games with a new purpose in my heart. Not surprisingly, no one noticed any change back at the ballpark, but inside I was full of new purpose. The longing in my heart to get this right was almost palpable, not just for my husband and children, but to glorify God in the process. That's our ultimate purpose on this earth.

The next morning I woke earlier than normal and began to dig through the Word and do my best to identify what changes I needed to make.  I wanted them to be quick and easy.  I wanted to set goals and immediately begin to reach them.  I wanted to show my family what a real-life biblical wife looked like, by golly.  But the more I read, studied, and prayed over the course of the next week or so, the more I knew this would take a while.  Some of my habits and tendencies were ingrained down deep, and they wouldn't be changed quickly.  It would take the pruning and cutting off of old branches that had been rooted in me for a long time.  It would hurt and be hard and take time.  It would take at least a year.

And with that thought, "The One-Year Marriage Experiment" was born. 

For a solid year, from May to May, I would work on becoming the best wife I possibly could. I wouldn't tell anyone about this, especially my husband.  But I would simply wait to see if anyone in my family noticed. And during that year, my God showed me all that I could absorb and more. 

During the next few blog posts, I will be sharing as much as I can about my experiment.  I will be as honest as possible about myself and what I've learned.  I will share the books I've read, and I will also share what I learned in counseling.  Yes, you heard me correct - I even went to a few sessions of counseling during this experiment. 

Don't get me wrong for a second, I'm nowhere near a perfect wife. (And all God's people said, "AMEN!")  I still have plenty of work left to do.  I started this as a one-year experiment, but what I realized is that it will be lifelong. 

And as long as I'm in for the long haul, I may as well take folks with me.  Will you join me??

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(For your listening pleasure, and because I love when I have company in my conviction, you can listen to Dr. Gaines' sermon on the biblical role of a wife here.)