The very first section on the notes page kept staring back at me. That little bullet point and I were dueling, and I was losing. It was the very place I knew I had to start in this experiment, though. Without tackling it first, nothing else could fall into place. It read:
"1. Give your husband loving ______. Eph 5: 18-24, Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1"
Isn't that sweet that they left a blank for me to fill in all by myself? They even supplied scripture references out to the side to help me along if I got stuck. How nice.
I had politely and appropriately filled in the correct word on that Sunday. I'm pretty sure I smiled as I did it. And I'm quite certain if the pastor had made eye contact with me that day, I would've even nodded my head in complete agreement. But I wasn't living like I believed it to be important.
That blank was filled with the word "submission." And to boot, the adjective right before the blank was "loving." Give your husband loving submission. Holy smokes, this was already hard.
Sometimes just saying the word submission seems like gravel in the mouth to those of us who are independent and self-sufficient (and maybe a little bossy). And to live it out? Well, that's a whole extra level. We tend to get our feathers ruffled just a bit when we start thinking of door-mat situations or of living ruled by those to whom we have promised our forever I-dos. We believe that we have the right to be just as much in charge as the next guy. Submission often seems inept or weak or from another generation.
What makes it so hard? What makes allowing our husbands to be the authority over us so difficult?
The more I've read, prayed, and studied on this journey, the more I've come to realize that our trouble with submission usually comes down to two main issues.
1. We don't trust our husbands.
Husbands aren't perfect. They mess up. They sometimes dominate and dictate. They confuse their role of authority with autonomy. They often take their power way too far. Or on the flipside, some of them remain like teenagers and don't take responsibility at all. And we never let them forget it. We see their mistakes and inabilities, and we take the reigns of control before they have time to say giddy-up.
Or maybe they've hurt us in the past. They've made our hearts break with cruel words or thoughtless comments. Maybe they've screwed up the bank account or the neighbor's idea of our perfect family.
Perhaps they have forgotten birthdays or anniversaries. Or maybe they've forgotten to love us like the soap operas told us they would.
Or maybe they've simply forgotten to load the dishwasher one time, or ten. Do I really have to ask; can't he just SEE the dirty dishes?
Ultimately, they've let us down in the past, and it's hard to completely trust them in leading us.
Or maybe, we just think we can do it better. Which leads me to...
2. We want control.
We're a don't-tell-me-what-to-do gender, by nature. Eve displayed it perfectly from the get-go.
Adam relayed God's message to her, telling her not to eat of the tree. One tree, one command. She strayed away from Adam for a few seconds, had a measly conversation with a snake, and bam, she went her own way. She wanted a say, a voice, and a right to make her own decision. She didn't ask him what he thought. She didn't call for his help or seek out his wisdom. And destruction loomed as she took control and was deceived.
I remember sitting in my college apartment shortly after hubs and I had gotten engaged. We were giddy and full of excitement over what our life together might bring, and we were having a fairly dreamy conversation about our future. He sat on the floral love seat and proclaimed something along the lines of, "Well, I think it would be great if you could stay home after we have kids."
I immediately sat straight up, pulled my hand back from his, and said, "What?!? You want me to stay home?? I do not plan on staying home. I didn't go to college for nothing. My mom worked and I didn't suffer. I most certainly won't stay at home."
Non-submission at its finest, folks.
I didn't ask his opinion. I didn't want an explanation. I wanted to be in control of my own self.
He sheepishly looked at me, and in his most diplomatic way, he said, "I was only thinking that I really see the benefits of it. But it's no big deal, we have plenty of time to work it out."
In my mind, my independence was at stake. I took offense somehow that he might be thinking that I wasn't capable of working and being a mom. How dare he!?
The ironic part of the story is that six years later, when our first-born came along, I soon began to beg him to let me quit my job to stay home with her full-time. By this time, however, we were financially accustomed to my salary. We were doing exactly what I had demanded - living on two incomes. It wasn't just as simple as quitting my job right then. Those words on the couch rang in my head for years. Had I subjected myself to his ideas from the beginning, maybe things would've been different.
Eve, me, maybe you? We tend to want all the control. We want to make the decisions and be the ones to make our own mistakes. Control issues abound in most marriages. We are selfish and want to be in charge of our own little kingdoms.
My first order of business in my marriage experiment meant making some changes regarding both trust and control. For me, facing these two issues forced me to further succumb to three little words:
LET HIM LEAD
Let. Him. Lead.
Breathe...
Be his helper. Be his encourager. Have a voice and an opinion, but let him lead.
Let him lead, despite my trust issues and regardless of my overwhelming need for control.
Now hang on, all you Type-A personalities, before you get all I-lead-because-he-doesn't on me. I know that game as well as anyone. Right now you're thinking something like, "If I let him lead on everything, we won't have food or clean clothes or running water. So how's this supposed to work, little Miss Blogger lady?"
Been there, done that, and have the battle scars to prove it. Right about now, you're thinking the same thing I may or may not have at some point.
He doesn't think like I do.
Things never get done.
He's lazy.
He doesn't do it right?
Because of those thoughts, and others like them, I gave myself permission to take the lead. Consequently, by over-stepping my place, I undermined the very model of biblical marriage as God intended. The truth is, those ideas, those thoughts of mine, they don't give me justification to take the lead, even if they're true.
Yeah, that bites. But it's the very truth I knew I had to chew and swallow.
In His sovereignty, God created the husband to be the head of the home. He is meant to be the protector, and the provider. He was purposefully made to cherish his wife and be willing to lay down his life for her. And as his helpmate, being born right from his side to always be at his side, his wife is fashioned specifically to be subject to him and his wisdom: she is to be his ever-helpful counterpart.
Ok, I get it. Life doesn't always work this way. This is Leave It to Beaver mentality in a Modern Family world. Marriages are flawed and maimed. People are full of themselves and full of sin. Deceit and unfaithfulness abound. But, in His grand plan, God's great design for marriage is to be a beautiful display of Himself. Christ, the bridegroom, affectionately and lovingly caring for His bride, the church. He displayed the ultimate sacrifice by laying down His life for her, for those who believe in Him. And we, in turn, live submitting to His ways and trusting His plan.
The very word submit means:
"to subject one's self"
"to yield to the advice of another"
"to put under subjection"
Submission isn't forced slavery, peeps. It's voluntary. It's understanding the big picture of humanity. And it's understanding the even bigger picture of God's purpose and plan.
It's really not about trusting our husbands; it's about trusting God.
It's really not about being out of control, it's about recognizing Who is always in complete control.
It's really not about subjecting myself as someone's servant; it's about allowing myself to be a bondservant to Jesus Christ and voluntarily doing the job that he has set before me as a wife.
Over the course of a few months, I worked to make some initial changes. Those came by answering some hard questions. And for those of you wanting to experiment with me, I'm including them for your convicting pleasure. How lucky are you?
*What practical changes do I need to make regarding how I view my husband's authority?
-am I too cynical?
-does he sense that I don't value his leadership?
-do I give him grace when he tries to lead?
*Am I willing to step out on faith and relinquish control where I've often held on too tightly?
-do I encourage him when he tries to lead or do I point out his faults?
-am I scared he will mess up?
*Am I willing to find out where I make my husband feel like he can't lead properly?
-is he able to be honest with me about my attitude toward his leadership?
-do I dare to ask him how he would like to see me change?
Submission is hard and goes against the grain. It's controversial and contemptible to many. It often sparks heated discussions. But it's biblical. It's not meant to be disgusting or degrading. It doesn't mean being a doormat or being silent or even being obnoxiously compliant. It is, instead, showing the world humility and gentleness. It is believing in our man and trusting in our Savior. It is, ultimately, fulfilling our part of the beautiful manifestation of The Bride.
Ok, so I haven't even addressed the "loving" part, completely. The next blog will cut to the heart of that adjective and give practical - super practical - ways to display our loving submission to those men of ours. Stay with me! Until then.....let's promise to be super honest about our trust issues - that's what led me to counseling, y'all. And let's loosen the reigns of control for a greater good. And let's all encourage each other as we let. them. lead.
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