What's The Plan?: Blog Series - 3

I’ve taken all sorts of personality quizzes over the years. I think I still remember the first one way back. I’m pretty certain it was Florence Littauer’s Personality Plus quiz. She introduced words like “sanguine” and “phlegmatic” into my vocabulary. I also took the one that described the test takers into animal categories – something like bears or lions or ostriches, or some such.

A few years ago, my husband brought home a personality quiz he was thinking of using at his workplace. I’m always up for these things because I deep-down hope I’ll find new information about myself. Or maybe I secretly hope my loved ones might begin to appreciate my glowing qualities when they see them on paper. Either way, I was game.

This new quiz was one that grouped personalities into colors. It’s been a while, but I distinctly remember two things about the results. One was that I was labeled a 'Gold'. The other thing was that each color-coded personality type typically had a go-to life question. The life question that Gold people like me usually ask is..... “What’s the Plan?”

That’s how I knew the results of this particular quiz had pegged me. Hubs seriously laughed out loud when we got to that part. If there’s one question I tend to ask more than any other, it’s that one.

Beginning the One-Year Marriage Experiment was no different. I needed a plan. As I mentioned in the second blog of this series, I knew God was prompting me to better understand my biblical role as a wife by first grasping submission. It would take a while to wrap my mind and heart around the technicalities of that. Submission is still a tough word at times. It’s not something we wives embrace the instant the pastor says, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” It seems to go against all our bends. It’s a work in progress.

In the meantime, I needed to know this - what could I be doing?

I’m a doer. I’m a list-maker, and a list-checker-off-er. I have an innate need for short-time and long-term goals toward which I can work. As much as I wanted this thing to happen overnight, I realized that wasn't realistic. I couldn’t just fold my arms in front of me, blink my eyes, and wiggle my nose like Barbara Eden. (Google her if you need to, young ones.) No, becoming a wife like God intends isn't the work of genies; it's for those who are willing to do something. So here's what eventually unfolded...

The Doing Plan
1. Begin active change.
2. Gather good resources.
3. Pray over everything.

 

Step 1: ACTIVE CHANGE: To officially begin my experiment, I decided to do two things for a solid year to bring about active change. I would love to challenge you to give both of them a try.

For starters, I decided it was time to change my tone.

I've never been one to pride myself on having a "meek and gentle" spirit. I am a former point guard and a basketball coach by profession. Twenty years of running the helm and calling the plays came naturally to me, and unfortunately, I often brought that mindset home. My husband is my teammate in one sense of the word, but he isn't mine to direct or put in his place. I'm not his coach. And he isn't someone for me to boss or smack-talk.

I began actively changing the way I talked with him. I began to really hear the way he heard me. Much of it wasn't pretty. I wanted him to feel valued and appreciated, but I realized quickly we were farther from that than I thought. I wanted to be his biggest cheerleader, even though that was way out of my comfort zone. It was time to hang up the sneakers and retire the point guard voice.

To help me do this, I focused on scripture like that found in Colossians 3. I realized that only from the power that comes through Christ would I be able to lay down what felt like was such a part of my personality. I had a new desire, one that longed to be encouraging and gentle. Believers in Christ are challenged to pursue godliness and righteousness and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11). It takes effort to have a tone that is encouraging for most folks, especially us Golds. It takes self-control to move beyond our own selves and think about what others need to hear from us.

Girls, our men need us to be a sweet respite from the harsh world. We're all guilty of speaking to them like they're one of our children, putting them down in front of others, and even poking fun at their expense. This has to stop. That alone is active change toward healthier marriages.   Let me repeat, though, this doesn't happen overnight.  I'm not a brand new person winning Outstanding Gentle Wife awards.  I still say too much too soon with too much sassiness at times. But I'm different than when I started and that's progress!

The next thing I began as an agent to active change was a little more creative and fun. Rest assured I didn't come up with it. In my searching and experimenting, I ran across something called the 30-Day Marriage Challenge by imom.com. 

It's a simple challenge to do one particular thing on the assigned day of the month. These aren't profound ideas, but intentionally done, they can make huge impacts. I screenshot the challenge and pulled it up every morning as my daily "assignment". Maybe you will do the same. Or perhaps you might print it out and put it in your office at work for a constant reminder. Feel free to use it however it work bests for you. And let me tell you, your husband will notice.  He will.  Try it!

Actively working toward change by overhauling my tone, coupled with intentionally adding encouragement with the 30-day Challenge, started me on my way toward transformation. It's not a perfect formula, but it served as a great launching pad for change. There were days when my very nature screamed loud, ugly thoughts against gentleness and encouragement and forgiveness. There are still days that I'm more concerned about getting things done my way than whether I'm being considerate of his feelings. But I make a choice every day. I make a choice to put my husband and my marriage first, or not. I make a choice to lay down issues, habits, hurts, and ingrained colors of my personality, or not.

I choose to lay down all the excuses of all the ways he needs to change and why I shouldn't have to.  And I trust God to work change in him if any needs to come. Or at least I'm trying.

Maybe you're a Green on the personality test, and your life question is "Why?" Why do this challenge? Why change? Why submit? Why? Why? Why?! The answer is simple for those that claim to be believers in Jesus Christ: Because this is what He calls us to do. In His sovereignty, He knows best and we don't. Loving our husbands beyond, above, and in spite of his faults, mirrors the perfect example of what Jesus did for all of us as sinners.

Or maybe you are an Orange and constantly ask, "How?"  How can this work? How does really happy in real life on real days with real arguments? How can I truly change if HE doesn't? How? How? How?! Just like we can't know for certain how the wind blows or exactly how the stars are put in place, we trust that God knows it all and is in control. We strive to have Abraham-like faith that if He tells us to love like this, we will do our best even though it seems radical and risky and raw.

And for those Golds, like me, I've offered you a plan. Try it for a month. Try it for a day, or an hour. Trust God with it and pray all over it. Don't expect results overnight but rejoice when they come in God's time. His perfect plan means resting in Him, not ourselves.

Ultimately, it's not about you. And it's not always what or how you expect it to be. That's what I found out next in my journey. The second step in The Do-ing Plan is to gather resources. In the next blog of this series, I'll share the one book you do not want to miss, as well as all the other treasures I've come across to make the most of this experiment.

For now, let's lace up our shoes and play ball! I mean, get started. Go team!

 

 

 

 http://www.waterontherock.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-s-word-blog-series-2.html