I'm Letting It Go

Ok. I'm writing. 

There, I said it. 

It may not seem much to you.  But to me, it gives me tingly arms and increased pulse.  What's the big deal, you may think?  Yeah, you're writing.  But it's so much more than that.  It's something that I've wrestled with for probably two years.  I've said yes and then no to God enough times for Him be done with me.  Instead, he mercifully and graciously continues to prod my heart.

I started this blog to settle my thoughts a little.  But the blog gets published a few times a year, and I've not really taken it seriously.  I even set up a little writing desk in my sunroom about six months ago.  Since then, the sunroom has become like the black hole to me. The desk and the computer loom there just waiting for me to settle in, but instead, I avoid them.  I don't even look in there much.  What's my deal? 

And the wrestling continues.

For the last year, I've been in a new season of life that I never expected. After spending the previous eleven years being a full-time, stay-at-home, homeschooling momma, my kids are now in school. My brain was pretty much mush until about last spring. I finally feel like the fog is lifting and I can pursue something with some gusto. 

But what should that be? I've thought a million times. 

Always, the still, small voice says....write.  Every. single. time.

With the extra time I now have during the day, I've tossed around several ideas for work or possibly some extra money.  (I'm obviously a little hard-headed.)  For the last few months, I've been helping a friend re-decorate her home and that was a blast. Maybe I could do that on the side? I've even thought of selling real estate. That looks way fun. 

Clearly, I'm all over the place.

So I called hubs at work a week or so ago, and I asked him what he thought. For the 100th time.

"Hey, Babe? So, tell me what you honestly think I should do. Should I get my real estate lisence? Or should I do something with decorating? What do you think?..."

He had wise words for me.....
"Dana, are those things you're passionate about? If you can tell me you are passionate about those things, I will tell you to go forward with full speed and I will support you all the way. But you love writing. It fills you up. That's what you're passionate about. Babe, start writing."

Hey, God, when did he get so smarty tarty?

And then he ended like he has for the last several years...

"I think you should write."

Bless him, he's my biggest fan.


I love writing.  I have journals and journals from years gone by.  I've often called writing my "cheap self-therapy."  When the favorite pen hits the paper, I instantly feel a peace.  But those thoughts are for my eyes only.  Writing for public viewing is completely different. 

What if someone disagrees with my opinion? 
What if someone doesn't like me? 
What if I make someone mad? 
What if certain people think I'm not qualified to write?
What if...what if...what if.....

In the over-used words of Disney, I must LET. IT. GO.  Let go of the fears and holdbacks.  Let go of the possibility of failure, the very thought that someone won't like or agree with me.  Let go of the insecurity that there are plenty of people that think I stink at it. 

So let me just put this out there as a disclaimer.... I'm totally not qualified.  I'm not the greatest writer of all time.  I botch punctuation.  I get too anxious to proofread.  I use run-ons.  I am not versed in the best way to construct a sentence.  And then there are thoughts like this one..... One of my high school teachers- possibly my favorite teacher ever - Mrs. Bonnie, is a friend on facebook.  Not only was she my English teacher, but she was also mom to my high school best friend.  I know and love her inside and outside of the classroom.  But the very thought that Mrs. Bonnie, or someone like her, might perhaps read my blog is enough to make me feel unqualified.  Yes, she taught me well.  Yes, I learned so much from her.  I actually had her twice during our high school years, and I'm twice the better writer for it, but what if she reads with her critiquing eye?   I'm so not qualified for this.

Let. It. Go.

Even putting this on open air space for all to see gives me the heeby geebs. Who out there is thinking I'm just a mediocre writer?  Who will read this and think I've lost my mind? 

I'm coming to terms with the fact that it doesn't matter.  What God calls us to do, he equips us to do.  He makes the paths and directions clear for us. I must trust and move forward.  So that's what I'm doing. 

I'm certain I'll go all wishy-washy on that very thought, but that's ok, too.  Moses couldn't have been more wishy-washy when God first called him out of the pasture.  Paul had to be struck blind before he was ready to do the job set before him.  Sometimes saying yes doesn't mean we think we're the best person for the job.  It simply means we're moving forward in response to God's prompting.  Please note - I'm not comparing this to the work of Moses or Paul. That's an understatement. I just take comfort in knowing some of the most influential men of the bible weren't perfect and had to be readied.  And so do I. 

But I'm looking forward to the journey.  I hope you join me.