You Give and Take Away

This morning we sang "Blessed Be Your Name" during our worship service.  The words hit me today like an arrow to the chest.  Honestly, some songs I sing out of habit, and I don't drink them in like I should, but this song....this song.  To me, it says that no matter what, I will give God praise.  No matter if I'm living in abundance or want.  No matter if all is well in the world, or if my world gets all messed up.....blessed be the name of the Lord. Some days I sing the lyrics at the top of my mediocre voice and give life to them with every ounce of my being.  Some days it's all I can do to mouth the words and hope I mean them. Today was the latter.

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


Today I recalled hearing my brother-in-law sing this song probably six months before his youngest son was killed in a motorcycle accident.  And nearly one year ago now, I watched as that same brother in law breathed his last breath on this earth due to the brain cancer that had rapidly swept over him.  Today I stood behind his mom and watched her sing....You Give and Take Away, You Give and Take Away....and I know how much has been taken from her.  Two grandchildren, a son, two brothers, the health of her own husband.  I then looked down at my own mother as she sang, and I was reminded that she has no living siblings left as of this year- all five have been taken.  My focus then landed across the auditorium and I watched one of my most encouraging friends lift her hands in praise and sing the same song.  All around her in her pew are four adoptive beauties that she now calls her own....blessings that the Lord has given.  As she sings, though, I know her well enough to know that she's singing through heart-tears and she's thinking about her oldest child who now resides in heaven with Jesus.  So often the taking away seems as if it looms heavier and more prevalent than the giving.

I've had my own taking away of sorts this week.  I would never compare it to the losses I've already described, but it's where my mind settled as I sang this morning.  The everyday that I've known for the past 11 years has now changed.  The routine that I called normal is now gone.  We have a new normal and new routine.  The Lord has taken away a bit of me.

As of  this past Monday, my children, who have only known homeschooling as their form of education, are now going to school.  To say that this is a quick decision or one I didn't see coming isn't completely accurate  By His grace, the Lord had been dealing with me for a while about this. He had prompted my heart to pray for His complete will in this decision about six months ago.  I thought he had answered and I had trudged forward, even buying the curriculum for the year and setting our schedules.  The first Monday in August is always our first day of school, so we began.  From early in the day, something wasn't right.  I've described it since as feeling like having an invisible barrier that wouldn't allow me to continue.  After our prayer, bible time, and deciding on a Walmart list for supplies, I went to my room to get alone with God.  I didn't understand what was happening, but I knew I couldn't go forward until it was worked out. 

By noon I called all the children together, called my husband home from work, and we had a family meeting.  All day long we prayed, talked, and sought the Lord for direction.  By the end of the day, we all knew where God was leading.  The next few days were a whirlwind of activities, enrollments, tests, shots, schedules, and meetings.  But God orchestrated every single bit of it.  He made clear again and again that this was His plan for our family. 

Even though I know this is His plan for us, I have still grieved.  Even though I am completely excited about the new path for my children, I still mourn the loss of having them home with me everyday.  Even though so many people have been supportive this past week, I know that others are hurt by this decision and don't completely understand it.  Friendships are changed.  Groups are different now.  Some are excited that they will have a friend at school.  Others are hurt that they may lose a friend because of this.  Hard stuff.  The give and take of life. 

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

I feel a little as though I'm walking in the wilderness, unsure of my next step.  I'm still not certain of my new purpose, and I honestly feel a little lost.  Many people have asked me what I intend to do.  That's a great question.  One purpose that remains the same, however, is discipling my children.  Even though they're going away for school, my scriptural mandate of teaching them about the ways of the Lord hasn't changed (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).  It will just look different. 

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

As I watched my mother in law, my mother, and my friend sing the praises of Jesus this morning, all of them without hesitation, I knew that I would do the same.  I sing the praises of His name whether in good times or in bad, whether He gives or chooses to take away.  His ways are better and higher and more purposeful than mine.  His plan is perfect and mine is often selfish and me-centered.  May we all turn the blessings into praise and, in the darkness, choose to say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name.