It's hard. It's hard to relinquish the dream. But it's necessary. I don't say it with a heavy heart. I say it knowing it is true, and resting in God's plan for OUR family.
For many years, I've envisioned many things for our family. In my heart I've dreamed of having the family that has nightly devotions together, spontaneous talks about the goodness of the God, praise and worship time, and fulfilling discussions regarding theology or the latest good book that we've read. I have desired the we are a family who prays diligently together, lifting one another up and lifting up the needs of others in our lives. I calculate the ways that we might serve others as a family - soup kitchens, nursing homes, service projects..all for the glory of God. I think about memorizing scripture as a family and hiding God's Word in our hearts together. I have dreamed of conversations with my children regarding authors like MacArthur, Piper, Lewis, Chambers, and others.
I have specific visions for our home school, as well. I've always longed for a home that promotes living books and self-directed learning...the "gentle art of learning," as Charlotte Mason called it. I dream of nature walks, poetry recitations, and composer studies. In my mind, I see us all sitting around with books in our hands - books about our founding fathers or courageous missionaries. I've always wanted my children to be avid readers that can't wait to get the next book in their hands. Just yesterday I was in the local mall and saw a boy of about ten with a huge book in his hand walking out of the bookstore. I secretly wished that my own boy would want to read like that boy obviously did. I take these desires with me everywhere.
I have dreams and desires for each of my children. I want them to so love the Lord that they live each moment glorifying Him. I want them to grow spiritually at an alarming rate. I want them to flourish in their walk with the Lord. I "see" them living passionately....becoming a pastor, a missionary, a pastor's wife, a bible study leader as they get older.
Yet, like a cool splash of ocean water on my face, I realize quickly that my dreams and visions and longings may not come to pass exactly as I wish. But my desires are God-honoring and good, I rationalize! Yes. Yet God perhaps has a different plan. I don't want to be like so many women of the bible that manipulated a situation because they had envisioned something for their family that God did not ordain. I desire to be like clay in the Potter's hand.....easily molded into the exact piece that God intends for me to be. If I trust Him with my future, it becomes easy to let go of MY dreams for HIS.
Our family is active and social. My son thinks of all things baseball. He would rather put together a neighborhood whiffle ball league than read ANY book. We spend at least one weekend a month with a traveling team playing in the 90+ temperature. We miss church sometimes for this. My husband is the coach and loves every second of encouraging and teaching this team of nine-year-olds. We take our two daughters along to sit in the sun and eat sunflower seeds. Doesn't sound too spiritual, huh? And it doesn't quite line up with the "vision" of mine. Yet this is the life that we are living. What God has in store is unknown to me. Perhaps the unbelievers that we are around are being shown the light of Christ that they otherwise wouldn't be. My son is becoming a leader on this team. He is learning to love pressure situations that the game of baseball often brings. Because I can't see his future, I have no idea if he will need these life lessons later on. Perhaps he is learning something from baseball that no book on the founding fathers could ever teach him.
We are not the family that I envision when I plan out our lives, but with each step of the way God is molding and shaping us in His timing. I want "that" family NOW. I want to be the reading, praying, serving family of my longing heart. However, for now we are the tv watching, baseball playing, ice cream eating, laughing family that God has put together. Does this mean that we are to be satisfied with exactly where we are and relinquish our dreams and desires? No. But we must rest in God's sovereignty and His plan. We are to lay before Him the longings inside of us and be content with His will.
For years I had desired that my husband and I would pray together regularly. He was never very comfortable with this and each attempt was met with animosity. I tried my best to guilt him into doing this very "right" thing. He was shattering my vision! You know, the one in my head with the man and wife on their knees before the Lord. I held resentment in my heart over this. It wasn't until this past spring that he lovingly agreed to pray with me each morning before going to work. I have no idea what changed him, but it wasn't the vision of mine or the guilt that I tried to impose. I have the feeling that it was God's timing. Each morning now brings me great joy when I hear his words prayed over me and our family. It doesn't exactly match the image I had in my mind....it's better!
God's timing. God's plan. God's will. Those are the things that should be our "vision." I often spend much time trying to be "that" family. Peace floods me when I lay my anxieties before the Lord and trust in HIS vision for my family.
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