ouch.   ooh.    oh...my.   ouch!  easy!!    ...That's what I want to shout as I feel the layers of my sinful self being washed and scrubbed away. 

For years I've struggled with a critical nature.  I've always been one to feel like it's my right to be blunt and straightforward.  I was raised an only-child and grew up talking with my parents for hours at a time around the kitchen table.  They allowed me to express myself freely and say how I felt with confidence.  I very much appreciate learning how to communicate my feelings, but perhaps I carried that freedom a bit too far.  By the time I reached college, my friends and basketball teammates began to tell me that I was rude.  This was a new concept to me.  I didn't "feel" as if I was being rude.  I didn't mean the things I said in a way that was hurtful.  I was just speaking my mind. Yet I truly didn't know how to tactfully say things....I really didn't.  It was hard to hear, but it needed to be said.  At that point, I started realizing the need to change my tone and my facial expressions.  I started noticing how things sounded as I said them....and I began to change.  Like a bad sunburn that cracked and peeled, my sin nature began sloughing off.  

As God would have it, I married a man that would rather not talk so much.  :))  Like most men, he's a bottom-line kinda fella.  He doesn't feel comfortable talking about other people, and he tends to see the good in most.  He's helped me a great deal, and I now pick up his "cues" when I've gone too far with my critical spirit.  I still fight the bluntness, but I've learned how to be tactful.  I've learned to respect the feelings of others.  I've learned how to say things without sounding so harsh, and I've learned that most of the time, it's best not to say anything. 

So I've made great progress!  I should be content, right?  Well...I thought so, until recently.

Thankfully, the Lord doesn't allow us to get too comfortable with ourselves.  There's always work to do in us.  For me, this next layer to be removed is gonna be tough.  After years of dealing with my words and my tact and my expression, the Lord is taking it a step further....my thoughts. 

Not only are my thoughts critical, but they are unloving and judgmental. Even though I've learned not to say what I'm thinking...I'm still thinking it.

As the Lord has prompted me to change this area in my life, it has forced me to notice how often my thoughts are ugly and inappropriate.  I'm now realizing how deep-seeded this critical spirit is.  It has been my nature for years.  What I'm learning is that when I focus on something that seems annoying in other people, it keeps me from seeing the good in them....it keeps me from loving them whole-heartedly. God is calling me to love without judgment.....He is imploring me to take my critical thoughts captive and replace them with love and grace. 

As I take a hard look in the spiritual mirror I see the mud and muck of my heart.  Only the Lord can wash me clean.  In this case, it is requiring an intense scrubbing...an exfoliating.  My skin is red and irritated, yet I feel refreshed and alive with the new growth that's coming.  I feel humbled that my Lord would even take the time to change me.  It is for Him that I seek to change. It is because of His grace to me that I welcome this chance to learn how to have grace with others.  

For years the water that has flowed over this area of my rock has formed a deep groove.  It will take time to change....but I feel the cool water now in a new way....